Personal Log, 17 APR 2004, 2303 hours

Today was a rather slow, and painfully stressing one when all is considered. Starting from the beginning, I got up around 0730 and got ready to help out with the delivery of the food bags. I was assigned one scout to my vehicle, a scout that I�ve known since I was in the same troop named Bailey. Our area of coverage was a stretch of 29 blocks straight. Since only scouts in uniform are allowed to make the actual delivery, he had to do all the delivery, and I just acted as an escort for him. I got some good jogging experience out of, running to the car and back picking up additional bags. Fortunately we didn�t have to cover all of the blocks, as a latecomer to the event was later assigned to the event, and he started at the opposite end of our route and worked his way up to us. We ironically met at the same block as my house, and I had already moved my car there a few minutes before. I then took one of the boys to my sister Sara�s house, as the troop has occupied their garage to make kayaks and he needed to work on his. I then took Bailey back to his house, and came home.

A few hours after I got home, Nicki finally called. The good news is that Nicki is now no longer on crutches and sedatives, and is now allowed to exercise, at least at her own pace. Her waiver has been extended, and I�ve included the details of that in the Nicki BMT Section. What I didn�t put in there is that I could tell that Nicki�s inner strength is starting to fail her. She said that she was having a hard time toughing it out mentally down there, so she sought help from one of the counselors there. Nicki told him her whole story about us, why she entered, and all of that, and the counselor promptly told her that she joined for all the wrong reasons. I talked with Michele and she tells me that she�s heard several stories about a lot of bad counselors down there, and she likely just talked to one of them. On Michele�s recommendation, I wrote to Nicki in her letter tonight that she should actually seek help from one of the clergy, as they�re much more sympathetic to what trainees go through down there.

While I was talking to Nicki and she was telling me all this, I could tell that she was missing me and home very much so. I don�t know why even now, but I asked her to promise me that she wouldn�t quit. There was a slight hesitation, but she did finally answer �yes�. God�I am so worried about her now. This past week I knew was going to be hard on both of us, but I ironically had the advantage of being knocked out for a couple of the days. Ironically, I still have those meds. I don�t know why I haven�t disposed of them, but I can�t bring myself to do it. I�d rather not go into that area right now, but more than once my mind started wondering what would have happened had I taken a whole pill instead of half of one.

Rico also came over tonight and took me out to dinner at Fuddruckers. We came home, and watched all of the Family Guy and South Park that I had left over on my TiVo. It was alright, I enjoyed it, and during some of it I started making a certificate of achievement for Nicki with input from Michele as well. Now that Rico�s gone, and Michele�s gone to bed, I�m left with more feelings of emptiness and loneliness. I prayed that God give Nicki all my strength, because I�m honestly scared for her. I�m scared that, because she�s been in the med ward in such a restrictive environment for so long, that she�s had so little contact with me, her family, and that she now has no graduation date to look forward to, that she�ll quit, give up on herself, and, the thought that scares me the most�give up on me.