Personal Log, Wednesday 21 APR 2004, 2342 Hours

Well�today was my first full day back at work in almost two weeks. It felt�weird. I guess one could say that I was used to being at home, so it�ll take some time to get used to being at work, and definitely take some time to try to adapt myself again to avoid any panic attacks that may crop up. Work was again pretty busy in so far as that, but that�s always to be expected.

I also got three, count them, three letters from Nicki today. Normally that would be a cause for celebration, considering the tone of her 11 Apr letter, but these three, dated 15, 17, and 18 Apr, all were really down in tone. She was reporting that she�s been depressed for a long time, and how she definitely feels like she�s too weak to pull this off. She reports that a lot of her negative energy seems to come from the bad karma that�s coming from the trainees that are readying to separate, and that even the chaplain is now saying that she joined for the wrong reasons. Lovely. Looks like if she�s going to make it, it�s going to be truly up to her. I suppose that�s how it�s always been, but I wonder if she�s finally starting to realize that fact, and the fact that she can only help herself down there. God, I hope she learns that lesson in time.

I�ll admit, that because of what she wrote, I started to spiral again, but fortunately Michele happened to be online and so she helped straighten me out. Tonight I wrote to Nicki that I know that she can make it, and that�s she�s only depressed because she�s letting herself get that way with the grumpy RTS that are in her unit. I told her that they�re the worst of the worst, and that they�re the ones being cycled out exactly because of their attitudes, so they�re going to be even grumpier because they want out right now, not to wait another 30 days or so for their discharge papers to get signed off on. Even then, I told her that I still love her, and that she just needs to, basically, get a grip and snap out of it. At least, I feel like I did. Perhaps I didn�t get that message to her clearly enough? I don�t want to come right out and say it�yet. I�m hoping that I get to talk to her again this weekend, because I want to tell her this directly as well. I doubt that my letter will get to her in time, but I�m sure that she�s gotten the certificate that I made for her, as well as the previous eight posts on Nicki�s support site, and I would like to think that they�ll lift her up.

For now, I haven�t sent out an update yet, and I don�t have time yet to update the Nicki BMT Update section, but I probably will tomorrow night, after I send out the update email. I would write more, but for now, I must get some sleep.

Personal Exercise Log,

No exercises conducted today.