Well�where to begin. The last couple of days have been one roller coaster trip after another. On Sunday, I got a call from Nicki again. Nothing bad happened, and in fact it was a nice conversation. I was at the gym when she called, and because I had inadvertently left both of my earphones on, and so I almost didn�t notice when she called. It was only a ten minute conversation, but at the end of it, I was shaking. I don�t know why I was, but I left shortly there after.

Later that night, I went online and talked with Michele again. She and I talked again about this, and I started feeling a little better, or better enough at least to sleep. I was depressed again for sure, because I started missing her so much. I tried to post an entry then, but, I still can�t believe this, I was so down that I couldn�t post.

On Monday, things got worse in a big way. I went to work, but I started getting extremely disorientated, dizzy, and I was a little slow talking. I must have sounded like a retard on the phones. I had a supervisor call my friend Rico up, and had him take me to the ER. When we got there, we were waiting like 2 � hours before I was taken into triage, and then I was waiting another hour, hour and a half for the doc. But his diagnosis was expected, it was major depression, and the doc wanted to admit me to the psych ward.

Even now I still don�t understand why I didn�t let him do that, so when I got home, I talked again with Michele, and we thought that it might be best if I was committed, but when it came time for me to tell mom, man did she completely explode. Michele was on the phone, listening in, and even she was in tears after it was over. Mom basically said that if I allowed myself to be committed, that I would not be allowed to live with them anymore, like I am now while Nicki tries to make it through BMT. The doctor gave me a prescription for Lexapro, just for over a week, and told me to go see the lifeskills clinic out on the base. He also put me off of work for Tuesday as well. That night�Hmm. I don�t know if I was suicidal again that night, but I was definitely numb. I kept thinking to myself how close I was to putting my �plan� into effect.

Tuesday I was not as numb, but it had a lot more things going on. I called the lifeskills clinic, and they told me that I couldn�t get an appointment there because for some reason I wasn�t in the system. I then called the TriCare offices, the health insurance the military uses, and found out that I needed to change my coverage type, which I went down and did. It�ll go into effect 1 May, and I can call lifeskills again to make an appointment at that time.

After that, I decided to get what I needed to get my bike running. First I needed to cut the old lock off of my bike, which was done after about 20min worth of work with a hacksaw and a pair of wire cutters. The lock was a steel cord, not a chain lock. Anyways, other than that the bike was, for the most part, in operational condition; tire pressures were good, gears weren�t jammed up, and the front brakes were working (back brakes have never worked since I�ve owned the bike, the steel wire controlling them is plastic covered and somewhere along the line the steel wire has been cut).

I went down to the bike shop that dad and I have used forever, since the owner used to have a son in the scout troop. Dad wanted me to pick up a couple of signal blinkers from there, but I also needed a new lock (obvioulsly), and I also wanted to get a good pair of bike and exercise gloves. I picked up this pair of blue, grey, and black ones that fit perfectly. In fact, I really don�t want to take them off since they fit me and feel comfortable. Anyways, it took dad and me about ten minutes to figure out how the blinkers worked, and they�re bright as hell. They�re like lasers in that if you look at them directly you�ll freaking go blind�like I learned the hard way. I bought one back off of dad and put it on my bike as well. Tomorrow I�m thinking of doing a �night op� to test it out; I�ll ride my bike to the last half of my shift.

I did all of the mainly so that I could ride my bike out to the base for my exercises. Just in case Nicki called, I rigged my cell phone to the inside of my backpack, which contained my sweater, in case the weather turned sour, and my towel for the gym. The ride itself was partly a trip into the past, since I rode like I used to when I was in school; hard, fast and weaving in and out of obstacles, between the street and sidewalk, and dart in and around things. It took me about 20min to get there, since it was all uphill.

When I got to the gym, I didn�t do many leg exercises, maily because my legs were already killing me. I think that I will limit my rides up there to days when I�m doing upper body workouts as well. I also didn�t do the mile run, which I really need to do in preparation for the Ice Breaker this Sunday, that is if I still feel up to it. Right now�I still do for the most part. I want to run it for myself, but I also want to run it for Nicki. I�ll think about it the next couple of days and make a decision by Friday, because if I run the rest of the week, I�ll need to rest my shins/ankles on Saturday. They always hurt like a bitch when I get done running.

Anyways, the ride home was pretty uneventful, except for the final three or so blocks from home. About five blocks away from where I live, there�s a school that sits atop of a massive hill that I dub the Warp Jump when I�m riding my bike, reason being that I can top 35-40 MPH going down this hill, and this jump was no exception. In fact, a passing motorist was curious about how fast I was going so he paced me the whole way down.

I got home and got changed out. It was at that time that I realized that Nicki hadn�t called, like she usually does. They seem to allow her a midweek call while she�s in Medical, and I remember the last time that I talked to her she told me that she�d try calling me, or leave me a message. I hope that she didn�t call her mom again, but something tells me that her mom might not be doing anything really to hurt her chances, because of the letter that I also got from Nicki today. It was dated 11 Apr, but it was definitely not what I expected, in a good way. I was able to judge from what Nicki wrote that a lot has changed in her. Her attitude is really being reshaped, and I�m excited to see her again, whenever that will be. She doesn�t seem to be letting our separation bring her down too badly, but she�s also reporting that there are a lot of people shifting in and out of her unit, some that are prepping for separation, can�t locate their papers, etc. She also wrote a list of eleven things that she wants to do when she gets home. My favorite, at least for now, would be #11, which is just simply �Umm�. Nicki has a penchant for being cute with things like that, but I�m hoping it�s a hidden message for something more intimate. She also listed how she wanted to come home and take walks with me, hug, hold hands, exercise, spend time daily with the family, that sort of thing. She also reports Catholic services are pretty dull and boring. I wrote back to her that I doubt that she wants to be Catholic, but I am proud of the fact that she is honestly trying everything out to find a faith that she can believe in.

Anyways, I need to get some sleep and write up a Nicki Update email.

Personal Exercise Log

20 Apr 2004

• Seated Leg Press � Two sets of 10 reps at 210 pounds, goal of two sets of 10 reps at 210 pounds

• Back Extensions - Four sets of 10 reps at 200 pounds, goal of four sets of 10 reps at 200 pounds

• Sit-ups � 60 non-timed, goal of 60 non-timed

• Rotary Calf - Four sets of 10 reps at 190 pounds, goal of four sets of 10 reps at 210 pounds

• Cycling � Approx. five miles, no goal set.