Personal log, 17 APR 2004, 2243 hours

Today didn�t go nearly as expected. To start with, Nicki�s exercise waiver expired today, and I�m thinking that she should have also received an exam from medical today to determine whether or not she would return to training or go to therapy for the leg. If this took place, they didn�t allow her to let us know, as I had my cell phone with me all day and no one called. I�m hoping that tomorrow she will get a chance to call for a few minutes in the morning like before. Or at least she would try to call me, unlike Tuesday. I guess on a personal level I feel insulted that she didn�t try calling me then, but I know that her time is limited for calls as it is and that she thought that I would be at work, then again�I long to hear her voice so badly right now that it still drives me to occasional tears.

Nicki�s support page got an amazing eight posts on it�s first day of existence, and even posts from some old journal acquaintances, like Katress and Witchy. I can�t thank them enough for doing that for her. With her letter tonight, I�ve copied off the posts and put them on the letter. They�ll get mailed to her tomorrow, which means she should hopefully get them Tuesday. I really hope that they help, because it�s hard to do line support, as I call it, without knowing if what I�m doing is helping her to the best of my abilities. I�m ashamed to admit it, but for the first time in my life I�ve had to go with a plan without knowing for sure whether or not it�s helping. I�ve had to trust that things are going well for her, and that nothing sinister is going on without any validations. It�s hard for me, and I don�t know if its because of my personality, the time that I�ve spent with her, or the fact that I know that I feel like her mother might try to sabotage her efforts in an attempt to gain control over her, or what. Michele keeps telling me that it won�t be much longer either way until I see her, and I suppose she�s right and I�ll have to start thinking that way more often, but I wish I had a more firm date to look forward to, to plan for. Hell�I just wish I heard from her more often really.

I didn�t just sit around here hoping Nicki would call. I did some maintenance to the HTML on this site. I changed the coding so that the guestbook and the support site appear in new browser windows, and I also changed the layout of the guestbook as well. I also got started on the new �crew� page explaining who everyone is, along with pics. While I was doing this, I also looked after Robby�s little toddler Parker, which is normally the responsibility of my mom but she was getting her nails done. Parker likes to clean rooms, believe it or not. She�ll go around, find items (trash or not) and hand them to me or throw them away herself. She�s still a little slow on the talking side, but she�s babbling quite a bit now so it won�t be long before she starts talking in earnest like my niece Kayla. As I was watching Parker, it occurred to me again that I�m getting to that point in life where my body thinks it�s time to have kids, because I look at Parker, and even Kayla, and I feel like there�s a part of me that�s missing that child would fill. The logical portion of me doesn�t want kids right now because they would be more of a burden than an enhancement for both me and Nicki, but the usual age for most married couples to have kids is the 26-30 range, and I�m starting to get to that point. I don�t know�I suppose if Nicki makes it through boot camp and gets settled into the Air Force, if it happens it happens, but I remember points in my life when I was deathly afraid of even the remote possibility that Nicki could be pregnant. Now�I�m not so sure it would be so extreme, but for someone like me who has disavowed having kids at all, it�s kind of disconcerting. Nicki�s always wanted kids, and while I haven�t told her for sure no, I�ve led her on to the possibility of having my mind changed later on in life. Many would tell me that I have my whole life ahead of me and that this is about the time to think about it, but I�ve still got time, I don�t know. I guess I feel like I don�t want any child of mine to go through the mental trauma and diseases that I�ve battled with all my life. On my worst day I would not wish upon my greatest enemy what my mind has subjected me to, and Nicki�s been through a lot as well. I suppose if she�s found enough peace in her mind to want to have kids later in life I might be convinced to do the same.

Later on in the afternoon, Rico came over and we went to the mall so that I could pick up a few things. It�s not that couldn�t have done it by myself, but I felt like I could use the company. We went to Radio Shack there, and I kibitzed with an old friend of mine, and then let him get a good commission off of the supplies that I bought. I got a second Ethernet card so that I can upgrade the security of my computer network by routing all internet traffic through my computer, making the other two �invisible� to most hackers. I could accomplish the same thing with a router, but I�ve bad, bad, bad experiences with them that I do not wish to repeat. I also got some more stereo cabling so that I could simultaneously hook up my five-speaker setup on my computer (has two audio jacks, one for front-channel and one for rear-channel sound), a set of headphones, and the sound-activated neon tube in my computer. I also got some more cabling so that I could route sound from the 5-way switchbox in my entertainment center to both my computer and my TV, so that during the day I can use the surround sound capabilities of the stereo and at night use the speakers on the TV without having to change any cabling. I�ll probably take a picture of my wiring jobs on both the computer and the TV just for reference, because it�s quite a trip. Anyways, Rico and I also stopped at the GameStop so that I could pick up a copy of Resident Evil: Outbreak for the PS2. It�s the latest edition to the ResEvil series, but what makes it unique is that if you have an Ethernet adapter and subscribe to Sony�s game service, you can play online with other players over the internet with this game. I�m not sure if it�ll work with my current broadband service, something to check in to. I know that there�s a small subscription fee to play with Sony�s game service, but if I can just tap into the PS2 with my existing network it�ll make things interesting.

Michele and I also had a enlightened chat before I went to bed. For once it wasn�t a �down� conversation, but a rather light-hearted one that left me feeling a little better than when I started. She believes that Nicki will make it through this as well. I do to, because I would like to think that, if she thought about quitting, she would think about this and realize that�s she would be throwing away six weeks worth of sweat and tears, and throwing away what could be a very bright future for her. Most of me believes this as well, that she�s stronger than the other part of me is giving her credit for and that she�s going to make it through this no matter how long it takes.

Anyways, it�s late and I�ve got to get some sleep. Tomorrow should be a busy one.

End log.

Personal Exercise Log

No exercises conducted, scheduled day off.