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in the valley of darkness in the shadows of the night rising from the ashes of humanity he lives for honor THE REALM OF THE ROGUE MARINE |
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Personal Log, 13 Apr 2004
Greetings,
I know that I promised another entry last night, but I just couldn�t bring myself to post it. There were so many things that went on through my mind yesterday, like how to commit suicide, and the temptation came up more than once, like when I went to get some Excedrine, and when I was driving to work and had to �go evasive� to avoid more than one accident. I talked about this most of the night with Michele, and it helped.
She asked me what happened, since my downward spiral happened less than an hour after we talked on the phone. I told her that I didn�t know, because I don�t know what honestly triggered it. All I know is that last night I delved too far into the dark side last night (writing my final letters to all, including Nicki, drafting a will). I�m better now as I write this, but since Nicki�s been gone my morale hasn�t been as high as it once was. If my morale was to be rated between 1-8, with one being a point where the finger is on the trigger, and eight being when I finally get to hug her at graduation, mine has never been above a four, and work doesn�t truly help it.
I�ve been fighting it for the longest time. I�ve been trying to make my position at work last, and try to come to terms with it, but I think that it doesn�t help at all. Tomorrow I�m going to make an appointment to speak with my department heads and place an official request for transfer out of my position. I�m thinking of transferring from tech support to customer service, since they have shorter calls yet at least get some free time between calls. If they won�t allow that, then I will speak with Human Resources and seek placement in the Lowe�s program, where I first started my N.E.W. career, as they�re hurting for people now, but their job is much easier than my current one. I�m also going to retry a sleep schedule that I kept when I worked the 56 hours of overtime that I pulled overall last month. Yes, last month I worked 216 hours. There�s a long story behind that, but suffice to say at the time I needed the money for the plane ticket that I was going to buy when Nicki was supposed to graduate.
This morning I got up around 0700 and went to the doc�s office. I saw my regular physician, and to be honest I don�t think he was surprised to see me. He didn�t ask many questions, but diagnosed me with Situational Stress/Anxiety Disorder, and has put me on some stuff to help me at least sleep and take the edge off of things, but long-term there�s no real solution except my complete withdrawal from N.E.W. I didn�t really get the chance to tell him all that I went through this morning, but to be honest I didn�t feel nearly as bad in the office like I did hours ago. Anyways, after that I went to Albertsons to drop off my prescriptions, because I also needed to refill my allergy meds. While they were being filled, I headed over to Wal-Mart and spent $70 on a new 128MB Memory card for my MP3 player, which now has a total memory load of 256MB and 57 songs loaded, and also some more pop tarts and wheat thins for work. I even picked up two more cards that I�ll fill out and send off tomorrow morning with her next letter. From there, I headed to N.E.W. and turned in my doctor�s note for last night and today. He was honestly surprised to see me, but I explained that I was out and about and wanted to get the note to him before I forgot about that. After this, I headed back to Albertsons (a few minutes shy of an hour after I was first there), picked up my meds, and headed home.
I briefly talked to Michele while I was programming the new card as well. She just checked up on me to make sure all was well, because apparently I scared the shit out of her. She hates how I apologize for that, but it�s sincere, truly. I don�t mean to be a bother, since my problems are my own and have to be solved by myself. Anyways, I reported a 3.5 morale level, we briefly checked in with each other and then she had to leave, which was fine with me since I wanted to go to the base gym again. As a side note, yesterday�s exercises are located with todays at the bottom of the entry.
Just like there was yesterday, there were an unusual number of similarly-aged civvies there. What the hell is this, workout week? Plus again yesterday Security was manning the gate with M4s again, but this time no armor, just a tactical vest. Anyways, yesterday was upper body workouts. I did my usual four sets of twelve reps at 75 pounds on the chest press machine, four sets of twelve reps at 35 pounds on the fly machine, and I also did something new, four sets of twelve reps on a shoulder press machine, but only at 35 pounds. I�m trying to find a machine or workout routine besides push-ups to work on the muscles that are exercised in push-ups. I�ve done the same with the ab crunch machine for my sit-ups, and I�m trying to do the same as well for push-ups. The problem was that I must have really weak muscles, because on the last rep on the last set, my arms totally gave out and I collapsed. That sucked. I�m not looking forward to repeating it tomorrow, but if I�m to get any better at it I�ve got to do this. Nicki would want me to work on it, so I guess I have to. I also set new records as well for running and sit-ups yesterday. I ran the mile again, this time pulling a time of 8:42, and I improved to 60 sit-ups, non-timed, but I�m planning on doing a test on them on Sunday. This afternoon, I somehow ran the exact same time (no shit), and did the same amount of sit-ups. When I went over the stopwatch figures, the difference between the two times is in milliseconds, as my time today was almost 8:41. I was off by not even .02 seconds.
Well, there was no mail today from Nicki again. Not really surprised, because she told me last time we talked that they took away everyone�s personal time last week until like Friday or so, so if she got a letter done Friday night and sent off Saturday morning, best case scenario will be that I�ll see it tomorrow. Then again, I could be living in a pipe dream again. God�I know I�ve got to take this one day at a time with Nicki being in boot, but dam it, the lack of communication sucks shit and it�ll drive me nuts again considering that she still has no graduation date.
Anyways, it�s 2021 hours now, and I�ve got to find something to do and distract myself again before I spiral again.
Personal Exercise Log
Date 4/12/2004
Chest Press � 4 sets of 12 reps at 75 pounds, goal of 4 sets of 12 reps at 75 pounds.
Date 4/13/2004
Seated Leg Press � 4 sets of 10 reps at 210 pounds, goal of 4 sets of 12 reps at 210 pounds
Personal Log, 25 Apr 2004 - 2004-04-25
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