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in the valley of darkness in the shadows of the night rising from the ashes of humanity he lives for honor THE REALM OF THE ROGUE MARINE |
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Personal Log, 12 Apr 2004, entry 1 Log started on 4/11/2004 as a two-part entry to capture essence of early emotions and feelings Greetings, So begins what would have been, under normal circumstances, Nicki�s Week 6, Graduation Week. Had things gone according to plan, on Wednesday I would be flying down to see her graduate at the end of the week. Had things gone according to plan, I would finally have a week off from the slave-driving and mentally abusing job that I have. Unfortunately, like most of my life, not a damned thing has gone according to plan. As I write this, the tears stream down my face. Had things actually gone right for once, I would finally see Nicki�s face again at the end of this week, however, it could now be anywhere between another 3 to 8 weeks before I see her again. Just like the extremely brief phone calls, and now even the letters, I find that the little information and contact that I�m getting seems worse than none at all. It all now depends on her physical condition at the end of this week as to whether or not I have any real date to shoot for, to plan on going down to see her. My friend Michelle tells me to plan on seeing her June 15th or so, not because that�s any accurate prediction, but just because it�s a date. I have to be honest, that doesn�t help much. A false date is just that, false. It was said by the Architect best in the movie The Matrix Reloaded �Hope. The quintessential human emotion, simultaneously both your greatest strength and greatest weakness.� If Nicki goes into physical therapy, there of course would be no graduation date. On the other hand, if she returns to training in her present state, she would be recycled. Either way, no sure dates, no sure times, and more headache and grief for me. More time for be to be alone, without any contact, without any real�hope. This week will be the most difficult, the most telling, and the most challenging week of all, especially Friday when I will not be waiting to see her march down the parade fields, but rather be waiting by the phone on the slim chance that she�ll be able to notify us of what they decide. For five weeks now I�ve been able to keep my letters to her positive and full of encouragement. Every Sunday that has passed I�ve congratulated her for making it yet another week, and tell her how proud of her that I am that she continues to do so. I tell her that she�s making the right decision by not quitting and gutting this out. I tell her this because it�s the honest-to-god truth. Michelle tries to do to the same for me, but no one congratulates me on toughing it out, maybe that�s what�s expected of a spouse, of a man. Maybe you�re honestly supposed to just sit there and take it, with no active support from family, no daily hug. My mom was at first doing that for me, but when I would try to share with her my feelings, as it truly made me feel better, she stopped it and sent me away. I suppose my purpose is to gut it out no matter what, without praise, without commendation, to just sit there and take it and be cheery about it. Fuck, I don�t even want to go to work tomorrow! That brow-beating job has done nothing but fuck me over from day 1 and all I can do is sit there and beg for more! People call me up and bitch me the fuck out about how their god-damned TV doesn�t work. FUCKING FIX IT YOUR GODDAMNED SELVES OR FUCKING READ A BOOK OR SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FUCKING FAMILY, BECAUSE YOUR ARE DAMN LUCKY THAT YOU HAVE ONE THERE TO SPEND TIME WITH! Fuck, I don�t even want to sleep tonight. In all honestly, I find suicide once again an option right now. Wait�what the hell did I just write? I should call Michelle, as she�s volunteered to take my calls, but she�s gone to bed now, and I�ve been a terrible drain on her time and strength of late. I sit here and think about how much more of this I can honestly take. I find that as of late I�m reverting back to my isolationist past, purposefully avoiding contact with others, and that I find Death itself something that I do not try to avoid any more. Then again, I know that a strong part of me keeps the life in me alive, as it has always been there when I�ve attempted it in the past. It always kept me from pulling the trigger in the past. First it will be Wednesday that will be hard, and then it�ll be Friday. I hope that with the passage of these two days that I will be alright, but I suspect that it will only get worse with each passing week. Again, I�ve been positive and supportive as all hell in my letters, but I wonder if my strength in that area will last as long as it will need to. Nicki will need me to continue to be such or she will lose her greatest pillar of faith, her greatest support base, and she�ll likely fail. Again at all costs I cannot let that happen, but what if the cost of it is indeed my sanity? Many have tried to stray me from the path of madness and depression, and I honestly have to say that I�ve tried to do what they suggest, but I feel like I�m in too deep to do anything at all. Perhaps one day soon Death will find me and I won�t have to invite his presence at all. I will go about my daily routine as per norm, and do what I�m asked, but from now on I�ll only be a hollow shell of a man, devoid of purpose. A man who won�t take his own life, but won�t try to stop it either. Nicki would not want that, but I don�t know how I can avoid this. I wish I knew of a way to fulfill her wishes. It�s been suggested more than once that I go seek God again, but the truth is that, while I don�t think he has it in for me or truly hasn�t helped me in some little way, I don�t even God can save me now. Ugh. I must now go get a shower and find something to stay awake through the night. I know that if I sleep now the nightmares will begin again in earnest, and those can even be more terrifying than the reality of my mind. I don�t care who reads this anymore, because I feel like I�m beyond help and if I do meet my demise, perhaps this will bring some understanding as to why. I�ve fought all my life against feelings of hopelessness and failure, been sent away to live in group homes, had other women that I love before ripped from me, been psychologically abused by others, and to be honest I�m exhausted and I cannot fight anymore.
Personal Log, 25 Apr 2004 - 2004-04-25
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