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in the valley of darkness in the shadows of the night rising from the ashes of humanity he lives for honor THE REALM OF THE ROGUE MARINE |
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Personal Log, 5 Apr 2004 Greetings, Once again it's been a long time since I've updated. In fact, I'm rather surprised about how long it's been since I last updated. For a while there, I didn't feel the need to update. Now...I feel that if I don't start cataloging my entries that I'm going to go insane. Since I last updated, my wife has enlisted in the Air Force, and has been subsequently left for boot camp. She's been there for over four weeks, and yet I think that for some reason it's harder on me that it probably is for her. Wait.. that's a selfish thing to say. Nicki's got it 10 times rougher than I do, and I really shouldn't be complaining in the first place. Then again, I never really truly feel like I really prepared myself for this role. I'm worried about what the Air Force might do with my wife, mainly. About a week and a half ago, Nicki pulled her right hip muscle and she's on a medical waiver until 16 Apr. Even then, Nicki wasn't doing very well at all with her sit-ups and push-ups, and before she was put on a waiver command was looking at rolling her back to week 1 or 2. She's technically right now a prospective week 4 candidate, but by week 4 you need to be making graduation standards and she's not near there. Honestly, my fear is that command will send her packing, give up on her. The difference is, though, that I know that Nicki is truly pushing herself down there to gut this out, no matter how long it will take. I've talked with a few people, and they've told me that so long as she doesn't give up, neither will the military, but my question is at what point will their patience end? Who do I ask about all of this? Does anyone know, can anyone really answer my questions? All of this is truly maddening. Not only do I have Nicki's uncertain future to deal with, but work has truly been a true bitch to me. A few weeks back, I was promised a promotion in the tech support department that I work in, and then suddenly they decided to take all the people in the same position that I would be promoted to, turned them into basically assistant supervisors, and told me that I was no longer going to be promoted. I'm stuck on 10-hour split shifts, 0800-1300 then 1700-2200 with fri sat and sun off, but even then I only get 5-6 hours of sleep per night, even on the weekends, and that's primarily on because of my work schedule, and they're not inclined to change it. Even then, there's another concern. Nicki's pay that she's earning isn't actually being paid to her, not until she graduates, whenever that will be. Which means that it's entirely up to me to pay for my plane ticket to see her graduation and for my hotel stay down there. Nicki's dad and step-mom have graciously agreed to cover a rental car, but they'll likely be leaving before I do on graduation week and then I'll have to find arrangements for travel between the base and where I'm staying and the airport. God...Last month I pulled about 60 hours of overtime just to make up for some bills that I had to fall a little behind on to buy Nicki some things that she needed before she left, and while I've got some left over, I honestly don't know if I'll have the money to go see her and actually have something of a vacation while I'm at it. I was working ten hour days with no days off for almost three weeks, and I would have made four had not my strenght failed me. I hate myself for being weak like that, because Nicki doesn't get days of rest so neither should I. We both need to work hard at this, and I don't want to be thought of as slacking off. Another problem is that the last two weeks is that I've had nothing but nightmares about Nicki. Nightmares of Nicki hurting herself even more, nightmares of the Air Force sending Nicki home even though she truly didn't want to go and was making good progress, nightmares of Nicki being assaulted. In fact, I now truly fear having to sleep at night, because I fear what my mind will subject me to this time. So...there's my bitch entry. Hell, I even feel bad for even having these feelings, but I mean it's getting to the point of driving me into a massive depression, and I hate to admit this, but I've had my first suicidial thoughts in at least a year. I just feel bad for feeling bad over all of this, because I really shouldn't be. I need to stay positive through all of this, for Nicki's sake. Yes...all must be sacrificed, even my own life if need me, is forfeit if it would guarentee her success. Anyways, it's now 0041 on the 6th, and unfortunately my body will fail me soon and I can't stay awake any longer.
Personal Log, 25 Apr 2004 - 2004-04-25
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