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in the valley of darkness in the shadows of the night rising from the ashes of humanity he lives for honor THE REALM OF THE ROGUE MARINE |
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Reliving The Past
Greetings,
I was going over the 50 billion reviews that Sam wanted me to do for Dream Review today. Actually, it was just three. She said that if I couldn't get them done, she'd hand them off. However, I'm always up for a challenge and got them all done. Hopefully they'll get posted tomorrow.
I noticed that a lot of the diaries that I went over were written by women who were depressed or really down about life. I mean, look at what galaxiebabie wrote. It made me remember what life was like for me a few years ago. I may be 20 now, but not too far into the distant past I was 16. It hurts to remember most of the things that happened to me, but I guess it's time to release some of those demons. I used to steal from my parents, and be a real shit. I lied and did just about anything bad unto others. For reasons that I don't understand still, I didn't get hooked on drugs or alcohol though. Things got so bad that I was sent to a group home, although it was for a different reason, and even now my parents admit that they sent the wrong person there. Despite being the somewhat-innocent man on Death Row, so to speak, it woke me up. I spent about six months there I think. In group homes, you have no real freedoms. They can easily take your visiting rights and stuff away for screwing up. To be honest, after a while, even the staff came to realize that I really didn't belong there.
I was surrounded by other kids with several problems. One kid was there because his parents had abandoned him, and foster care didn't quite work out for him. Another was there because of drug and anger problems, so on and so forth. I was just there because my parents couldn't handle me any more, and we all needed breathing room. As I wrote this, this quote from my first alternate entry came to mind:
"Rogue had spent most of his short life figuring out one thing after another. While not technically spying, he craved knowledge on anyone and everyone who could pose a threat to him. Several times he himself felt threatened, and in a few instances, had to fight for his own sanity, for which he never really rescued nor lost. The memories of what have been, and the thoughs of what might be, percolated and formed distorted images in his mind.... 'The future', he thought, 'is never really clear. No one can really predict it, nor can anyone prepare for it. Reality is only as real as we make it. The world that we live in is only as we want it to be. Truth is only as we believe it, and more often than not, spun together by self-deception, half-truths, and what others tell us it is. I struggle to see what is the real truth, what is my reality, what my life is, where my future lies, but I can not even believe some of the answers I come up with. Does that make them answers at all? Or am I only seeking the answers that I want?' he thought to himself "
I looked at everyone that I was with while I was there, and in each one of them I saw a piece of myself, a possible future. I saw what I could and likely would become if I did not change my ways. I eventually came about, and became almost like a mentor for a few of them. I became someone that could be trusted, to talk to, when you couldn't talk to the counselor or staff. This showed me a different future, one that was more addiciting than my previous. Eventually I left, and now I'm living comfortably on my own, with a wife and a brighter future than before.
I came about because I realized that I was not alone in this world. That no matter what I felt that I didn't have, someone else truly didn't. That I didn't want to end up like them, that things had hit the bottom and I could only get back up by pushing myself to do better. By knowing that I enjoyed things that others didn't, I knew that I was just wasting away and could do better. I could do better, because I knew that as bad as it seems, there was someone else doing just as bad or worse, and I knew that to change, I had to change my path and look to the future. There's a phrase that I use now that really describes the best piece of advice that I can offer anyone who's down and thinks that there's no way out: Keep your head up and your eyes forward.
I used this experience to help Nicki out when she had hit her lows during her major days of depression. Now she and I are married, and she even agrees that the worst is behind her. I now live my life for her and to pass on my knowledge to others.
"Without free will, there is no difference between submission and rebellion." - President Johnson last words to Raiden, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
Personal Log, 25 Apr 2004 - 2004-04-25
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